Donald Trump was finally able to get politicians to agree on something. After a 2005 tape was released of Trump making lewd and vulgar comments referencing actions that bordered on sexual assault, people from both parties condemned Trump and his words, and some Republicans even pulled their support for the candidate.
The tape release prompted writer Kelly Oxford to ask for women to share their stories of sexual assault. Oxford tweeted, “Women: tweet me your first sexual assaults. they aren’t just stats. I’ll go first: Old man on city bus grabs my “p---y” and smiles at me, I’m 12.”
The tweet started the hashtag “#notokay” and became a rallying cry for millions of women who shared their stories, some for the first time, with Oxford and the world through twitter in a 14 hour tweet spree on October 7.
Cherry Hill therapist, Shari Botwin, shared the upside to Trump’s comments on NBC10 @ Issue.
“The upside is it’s causing so much dialogue. People are hearing stories and deciding ‘You know what I’m going to come forward and share my own story. I’m not going to keep this to myself anymore.” Botwin, a social worker who specializes in trauma and abuse, said.
The tweets became a purging that can be cathartic and healthy, according to Botwin.
“I think that as soon as we started hearing these stories about Trump and the comments that he’s making about women, what it does is it stirs up so much anger, so much feeling, and there’s so many women out there who are thinking ‘these things happened to me.’ One person starts talking about their story then it’s like a Domino effect giving people permission to share their stories,” Botwin said.
From Botwin’s perspective, this public dialogue helps kids ask questions about what they are hearing.
“We need to be very upfront and direct with kids. We need to explain to them what it is that we’re hearing, what it means,” Botwin said. “I think it’s also an opportunity especially for young girls and young boys to learn about boundaries in relationships, what is okay, what’s not okay.”
Botwin said that if survivors do not talk about their stories, it can cause people to live their lives filled with fear and shame knowing bad things happen to them and at times having that repeated.
“People can’t live a full life,” Botwin added. “They can’t have relationships where they feel safe, they can’t feel comfortable in their own bodies, they develop different types of mental illnesses… a lot of people will end up using different types of self-destructive mechanisms.”
“It can actually ruin someone’s life, not having something bad happen to them, but not having a way to talk about it, and express it, and heal from it, Botwin said.
Botwin said that there is also a downside when women are openly criticized and denigrated. It can normalize the behavior.
She shared that people can come from families where they don’t know what is and isn’t okay because in their family the men can talk down and mistreat the women. Situations like this happen and it makes it seem normal.
“They really aren’t educated or don’t really understand what it means to be a women even though they are women…Some of them when they’re laughing, underneath it they’re feeling uncomfortable or nervous. Some of them may be in situations where they’re being mistreated and feel like they have to go along with it so they don’t put themselves at risk,” Botwin said in reference to women that were launching similar attacks and laughing at lewd behavior.
Why did this recording cause such an uproar despite all the other comments Trump has made?
“The way he says it. It sounds like he’s not just saying it, he’s doing it. The way he describes it and it’s almost like he’s done these things,” Botwin said. “When he’s talking about how this is just stuff men are talking about…he says it with such conviction and such steadfast belief.. I feel like I’m sitting there watching him do those actions to other people.”
If someone sees a stranger wearing a shirt with a lewd message or saying something vulgar that may trigger the person, Botwin advises her clients to hold their head up high, acknowledge that it is not okay and keep walking. If it is a friend or family member of a client, Botwin thinks it is important to say something however.
“If you’re not okay with what they’re wearing it is important to say something like, ‘tell me how you think that’s okay, I need to understand more.’ Don’t be in someone’s face about it maybe just express curiosity, but be upfront and be direct with how you feel.” Botwin advised.
For anyone who has been through any type of trauma or sexual assault, and you’re scrolling through your feed and a “friend” posts something that triggers you, it’s okay to remove that person from your newsfeed.
“Anyone who has been through any type of situation where they have been assaulted, harassed, mistreated… the impact, the overall affect it has on someone is so much more important than how the politicians talk about it. It ruins people’s lives. When there’s that one minute where someone that’s supposed to care about them decides they’re going to do something inappropriate or over the line, it can change the course of someone’s entire life,” Botwin stated.
Photo Credit: NBC10 @ Issue
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